Highlights form the past year and a half

When I started this blog, I wanted to write about some revelations, epiphanies and awakenings that helped me get through time since Tom passed. Needless to say, I didn't stay current with it. So here are some of the highlights.

• In August 2009, as I was realizing that my sons would soon be off to school andi would be alone with the dogs, I started to get a little scared.  I had always viewed their departure as an Alleluia moment.  I had been a good mom.  I raised fine young men that I trusted and didn't have to worry about.  I didn't plan on being a widow when that time came.  I thought Tom and I would have time to revitalize our marriage.  But after a few days of wallowing in self pity, I had the awakening that I had a choice:  I could be lonely and afraid, or I could start my new life.  I had longed to be alon forever.  I never planned to marry and have children.  Both of those things were tremendous blessings that changed my life for the better.  But I do love my solitude.  So I decided to start making plans.  I cleaned out Tom's old home office and made it my new craft room.  I made an arbitrary weekly calendar of how I would spend my time.  I kept lists...wishlists, idea lists, places I want to visit lists, things to do lists, new things to try lists.  Keep in mind, I was still working full time so there wasn't a lot of down time, but I didn't want to just come home and veg out in front of the TV.  This plan helped tremendously.  And I found that creativity was my savior. Making something out of nothing, creating cards to send folks, experimenting with new techniques was a pleasure. I did have a period of funk during the unusually long, unusually cold winter, but I was saved by my Nintendo DS and a new game Andrew gave me for Christmas.  I felt like a child again.  I was a couch potato, but I was having fun and not dwelling on loss.
• HOW TO MANAGE THE HOLIDAYS - Consistantly people asked me how I survived each   "1st" holiday.  I discovered that what they wanted to hear was how lonely and miserable I was.  What they got instead was that I either kept or started old traditions on those days.  For example, for Christmas, Tom had always insisited on the traditional green tree with white lights, the bigger the better and preferrably real and not fake.  So I got myself a sparkling silver aluminum tree and decorated it all in green with ribbon, peacocks and butterflys. I loved it.  If I could only find one of those mulit-colored wheels that light up and shine on the tree.  We had one of those as a child and I would sit there for hours and watch that beautiful tree.  ( I was kind of a dimwit back then). On our 1st Anniversary I carried on the tradition of buying a piece of art for the house.  We had been doing that for the past 20 years. So I found a lovely and whimsical mixed media piece that says, "HAPPY, JOYOUS, FREE".  Which I was and still am.
• Get a therapist! - Luckily, I had already had a therapist at the time of Tom's death.  I called her the day after Tom died and met with her 5 days later.  She is the best therapist on earth and she has helped me immensely.  I continue to see her monthly, though now we work on the stuff of life more so than grief work, though that rears its ugly head from time to time.
• Go Away!  -  During the past year, I traveled a lot.  More than in any other year of my life.  They were odd trips - Andrew was in an accident, I visited friends in St. Louis.  Some were vacation, one was to get the boys settled at school.  And all of them were wonderful and a great distraction from the ordinariness of grief.  My advice  -  get a change of scenery as often as you can.  Leave the survivor guilt behind and have some fun.  Laugh a lot.  If you are not funny, seek out funny people.  Be a little silly.  You're allowed.  You're crazy with grief after all.
• Play the grief card - When I just couldn't handle things any more, I explained it away with grief.  The grieving widow.  So Sad.  I only missed one day of work after the memorial service due to being overwhelmed by grief.  But there were things I didn't want to go to, so I cried grief.  there were problems that were entirely frustrating, like MCI claiming we owed them money for phone service even though we hadn't used them as our phone company in 3 years.  I told the moron I was talking to that my husband just died, and finally after weeks of phone calls and correspondence, the slate was wiped clean.  The fact that it was only about $ 50 didn't matter.  It was the principal.  When Wells Fargo tried to gyp me out of several hundred dollars and no one, NO ONE at Wells Fargo would even listen to me, I wrote the CEO my poignant story of loss and the error the bank had made on my account, magically the money appeared back into my account.  I didn't even get a reply from them, I just found the money had been deposited.

You will grieve in your own way, but maybe some of these things will help you.  I pray for you all daily for healing.