How I went from Big to small

Purses seem to be all the rage these days.  Big leather purses especially.  Big heavy designer purses.  Big heavy expensive leather designer purses.  Who pays in excess of $500 for a purse?  Seems every ladies magazine promotes one.  They are heavy even when empty.  I don't know too many people who buy these, every now and then a friend finds one on sale and if that makes your day, that's great.  My bigger concern is how heavy they are.  And because we are women, because they are big, we are good at filling them up. Oh, our poor shoulders!

I have spent my life looking for lightweight big purses.  I don't like spending much on a purse because I am really hard on purses.  I am lucky if they last me a season.  And since I have myofacial pain in my shoulders, I try to buy a lightweight purses and not fill it up too much.  But ever since I had children, my motto has been, "be prepared", so I pack everything but the kitchen sink.  Of course, my sons are in their 20s now, so I rarely need a tissue or bandaid or toy or candy.....

The last purse I thought was going to be a great success, was from Kohl's for $20.  It seemed lightweight empty.  It had an outside pocket and numerous inside pockets.  And yet it was heavy all the time and I could never find what I was looking for. 

This is what I carried with me for work.

I failed to include in this picture a notebook, pen, pill case,  journal articles and work I brought home.

I never wanted to be without something to read  so I carried a book and a magazine.  My wallet was always filled with every loyalty card imaginable, numerous credit cards, cash and discount cards. It was heavy, clumsy, always falling over. 

 

This summer, realizing that my shoulder was killing me, I knew I had to do something different.  When I was on vacation for my son's wedding, I didn't carry much at all.  What made that lifestyle different from my work life? 

 

I decided to trim down to just my essentials.  Then I took a small wristlet I had purchased for vacation and decided to try that for a while. Here is what I came up with.

And here is what I carry.

I have a key case that carries my license and debit card and a few emergency dollars.  I can leave the house with just that; to run to the store, for example.  In my wristlet, I carry my phone, my glasses, lipstick (moisturizing so I don't need chapstick),  a few pills in a tiny ziplock that a button came in with a new outfit, face blotters for my constantly oily skin, breath freshener strips, and a small case for cash, a couple of  business cards,  and my library card.  It has worked perfectly all summer long.  Do I need my loyalty cards?  Most I can just give my phone number at check out.  Others, I keep in the car.  I have, in fact, turned my car into my "purse".  I cleared out the console in the car and put in a cube box of tissues, a small cosmetic case with handy wipes, lens cleaner, Biofreeze individual packets, a small pill container with a few common meds, and a business card holder with my loyalty cards. For work, I have added a small 5'x5" lidded box with extra things I might need seeing patients, like an otoscope, extra tongue depressors.  Since I drive to different nursing homes, my little stash comes in handy. 

 

This wristlet is my absolute favorite thing.  It comes from an Etsy shop called Heart2Handbags.  They are handmade by Amy in Waupaun, Wisconsin.  http://www.etsy.com/shop/Heart2Handbags?ref=seller_info is the link to her shop.  She also makes purses, key fobs, lanyards, ebook/ipad sleeves and aprons. Everything is reasonably priced, the wristlets are only $16.00.  I have 2 wristlets, a purse and a key fob.  I have bought a wristlet for a gift also.  I find the wristlets wash very well in the washing maching on a gentle setting and dry in the dryer without needing ironing. 

 

These wristlets save me pain, and are lightweight and convenient.  My key case has a clip on it so I clip it to my wristlet and have only one thing to carry.  No more big clumsy purses for me. And I owe it all to Amy! 

 

Finding the right path

I awake each morning and try to find a path.  It seems each morning I re-invent myself.  During the summer I would awake leisurely and read and think and contemplate God and try to be thankful for the day to come.  Once up, I got going on whatever it was I wanted to do, even if it was as simple as going to the pool. 

Now that I am back to work, the only way I can function is to get up without thinking and put myself on automatic to do the morning ritual of ablations and costuming.  I feed the pups and myself, check email, make sure my patient list is up to date, take care of little details and make a K-cup of a sweet beverage for the road. I put on my happy face and go.

Every day I am pretty much the same person.  But every day I feel I am on a new path for some reason. Perhaps because I never know what I am going to encounter during the day.  There always seem to be detours thrown in my otherwise straight path.  Interruptions, inconveniences, delays about.  These surprises are rarely the fun kind. 

Somehow during this summer of leisure, though I never mastered meditating, I did learn how to live each moment and take one day at a time.  I guess instead of trying to live my grand plan I think I have designed for myself, I allow the day to unfold.  I do one thing at a time and do it the best I can and then move on. I try not to judge it or myself, I try to just play the doctor role.

I guess that is why I feel each morning is a blank slate and why I feel the need to find the path.  I need only define myself as a daughter of God, held and loved by God, strengthened and supported by God.  Letting go of a grand plan and following a new path each day is quite hard for me.  But trying daily to create my grand plan hasn’t worked for me in the past, so allowing the unknown in to surprise me, might just be the way to peace and happiness.  I am happy so far with my new career.

Think less, be more.  Judge less, experience more.  I can feel my shoulders relax just knowing this.  Thanks be to the good and gracious God.

Pity Parties

I am a firm believer in pity parties.  I don't throw them often.  Maybe 2-3 times a year.  But when I do, they are wild, fantastic blowouts.  I had one this week.  When my son and daughter-in-law left after 10 wonderful days, I was devastated.  It hit me so hard.  I returned from the airport after dropping them off and just couldn't shake my loss.  I knew it was time for a pity party.  I put on comfortable clothes, got in bed propped up with soft comfortable pillows and my cutie pie dogs nearby.  I wept and wept and didn't even bother aiming my tissues at the wastebasket. " Poor me, woe is me."  How will I get on with the two of them in NYC?  It seems an eternity away.  When I was cried out, (it only took about an hour), I was wore out.  I picked up my Kindle and started to read, and within minutes I was asleep. I slept for three hours.  It was a good sound sleep.  I decided I needed to wallow in pity for the rest of the day.  I got up and made a giant bowl of American Dream Cone (Ben and Jerry's) and ate it in bed. I read my email - in bed, I wrote one to my dearest friend telling her of my plight - in bed and I read some more - in bed, you get the idea.  I pouted, whined, pulled the covers up over my head.  Finally I showered, put my PJs on and went to bed.  Slept for 12 hours and awaken with new hope.

NYC couldn't really be that far.  I would just have to go see for myself sooner rather than later as I had planned.  Chris is still nearby and we have fun together. Just like the summer after Tom died and both boys went off to college, I knew I had choice.  I could still be miserable or I could create some happiness for myself.  I had my art, my work, my family, my lovely simplified home. It's time to start making some friends.  Get back into the swing of things.

That's the great thing about a big, all out pity party.  You get things out of your system, all the tears, the exhaustion, the hunger.  It's like taking care of HALT all in one day.  Hunger, Anger, Lonely, Tired.  And once those things are taken care of, hope floats to the surface.  It's like making it though a long dark night and seeing the first rays of sunlight.  A new day. 

The Perfect Place for a Pity Party

The key to a good pity party is to never chastise yourself for feeling bad, sad, lonely, angry, in pain. Just feel every feeling that surfaces.  Dig down deep for the ones that are buried.  Swim in it. Just don't beat yourself up for doing it.  Those feelings are all yours, let them out, let them free. 

Inner Happiness

" If you can sit by yourself, doing nothing to distract yourself, needing no one, and still feel happy, then you have achieved inner happiness." Deepak Chopra

This summer I have been thinking a great deal about happiness. Having three months off all to myself has been an experience I will always treasure.  I have had a chance to heal my physical pain, rest, restore, celebrate family, create art, write and explore.  I have been very happy.  Yet some days joy has eluded me.  Lately I have been trying to explore what happiness, joy, or bliss, is.  How can I have so much, yet feel a void? How can I feel unfulfilled?

One reason is my chronic pain.  Sometimes pain and fatigue reduce me to nothing.  I put on a happy face, partly because no one wants to hear me complain and partly because putting on a smile does make me feel better.  But as I approach returning to work, I knew I had to come up with more than putting on a smile.  There must be a place of deep joy somewhere.  I have known it before.

Then two things happened.  I went back to physical therapy and a marvelous and talented young therapist, Kari Ell, manipulated my neck and spine to the point where I could once again stand up straight and my pain started to decrease and my fatigue lessened.  It was then I realized how much my pain was affecting my mood.  Joy started to surface.

The other is that I began exploring meditation as a mind body connection.  I have tried meditation, or rather, contemplation as a way of prayer before, never with much sustained effect.  Lately I kept asking God to help me. God seemed very distant.  Then I came across the works of Jon Kabot-Zinn and found some guided audio meditations online.  Simple to use, brief and easy to focus on, I began to fine peace in my soul.  This kind of peace is joy to me.  I used to chastise myself for not having a daily meditation practice.  I would like to do it daily but I find it hard to make the time.  But this week when I tried meditation again, I found the practice could sustain me for a couple of days.  I found God answering my plea.  It didn't come in words or an outright miracle.  Instead God led me to a place of silence, of breath. 

It used to be that if I needed to talk to God the most effective way for me to express myself and find clarity, was journaling.  But I am being led to a place without words. I am still putting up a bit of resistance, but I am allowing myself to be led. 

As for the quote by Deepak Chopra above, I am happy sitting by myself, but that is more a part of my introvertness, than it is of inner peace.  I am discovering a new place within myself that brings sustaining joy.  I am learning to live in my heart. 

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/7-New-Ways-to-Be-Happy/2#ixzz23pKZsAO7

A Marvelous Time

What a joy to have family home.  The newlyweds were here for a week and Chris was home for two days.  What a delight to have everyone home, however brief.  Andrew cleaned a space in the backyard and planted some ground cover for me.  We crammed so much in to a week's time.  We went to VooDoo Comedy Club, Canvas and Cocktails, movies, lunches, Cherry Creek North, visited Nana and Papa and went swimming, had massages and talked and talked.  When Andrew and Sabrina left I had major weepiness.  But I snapped out of it in short order knowing I would see them soon.

Praise for Born Son

Last evening I was delighted to attend a performance of Born Son, the improv team of Asa Erlendson and Kent Wellborn at the Voodoo Comedy Playhouse, downtown Denver.  I had a great time watching Asa, whom I have know for nine years, perform his quick thinking, quick witted improvisational humor.  Asa has chosen to make a career out of comedy and is currently performing in clubs in Denver. 
Born son started the show by asking the audience for a word that described their year so far.  "Dreadful" was the first word called out and they began the skit with a man afraid of heights.  It was very funny.  For each subsequent skit, they had an audience member throw a ball at them when they wanted the team to change to a new subject.  The sketches went from teenagers trying to write a book but fighting over who was more awesome to young romantics going on a picnic.  Asa and Stu were quick to pick up on each others signals and nuances to create a funny story.  As with all improv, some of the flubs were the funniest part. 
Another part of the "Show Show" featured a female comedy team called "All of the Above".  They were very funny too.  They started with asking for an item two friends might talk about and "shoes" was called out.  Then they asked for an age, and each subsequent act came about with a new age group being shouted out.  I liked the duo very much and would enjoy seeing them again. 

I would definitely go to the Voodoo Comedy club again.  Their roster features and ever changing group of comedians and improv artists.  Keep an eye on Asa and Kent, I know they has a great future.  It felt good to laugh all evening!

Simple

I have been spending a bit of time reading about minimalism and simplicity.  It started years ago when I discovered the minimalist movement in design.  The clean lines, lack of clutter and utter simplicity in home design.  I loved it immediately even though it was not something I could embrace wholely for my own home.  I like the occasional beautiful thing on my wall or table.  But I did get rid of meaningless knick knacks and stuff.  I started keeping only items of beauty and meaning.  My home has artful pieces and gifts that express me. 

This summer I discovered several really great blogs that speak to minimalism.  These folks take simplicity in living to the extreme.  They rarely consume, have rid their homes of stuff, enjoy what they have, are grateful, forgiving and happy.  I took the opportunity during my time off this summer to begin to embrace this concept more wholeheartedly.  I cleaned out every drawer, closet, room.  I got rid of many bags of non-necessities.  I organized my craft room so that it is functional and streamlined.  And I vow to keep it organized and clean.  My table tops have fewer things on them, but the items present are ones I love.  If I don't love it, it goes.  And I don't bring in anything I don't love. 

The Minimalists, Joshua Fields Milburn and Ryan Nicodemus have taken it to the extreme, in that Joshua has pared down his belongings to 123 items.  I don't have that as a goal, but I do like the idea of knowing what you possess and appreciating whether you need it in your life.  Perhaps it is a gender thing, but I love color and art too much to live such a spare and sparse life.  But these guys have unplugged, under-consumed, un-desired and unattached themselves so that they really enjoy their freedom and living. 

I like the idea of simplicity because it was what Jesus preached.  I always struggled with the rich young man that Jesus asked to give up his things.  I couldn't understand how Jesus could ask the apostles to go out preaching without extra sandals or money.  And I still struggle with that kind of absolute trust.

The past 30 years I have experienced a paring down of my life.  Like the layers of an onion being peeled away, till I discover my soul.  I have sought simplicity and humility in my work.  I have sought truth in my introvertness by eliminating engagements that exhaust me.  I have learned to live with pain by pacing myself so that I don't overdo it.  I had my spouse taken away so that my contentment can only come from within.  My children have grown and moved away so that I can't rely on them for fulfillment and satisfaction.

Some paring down is painful.  Some of it is joyful as I discover my true self.  It is an interesting process.  I don't know where it is leading other than to hopefully live more fully the gospel life. 

Thank you God for opening my eyes to a simpler life.

I quit my job.

June 12 will go down in history for me.  It is the day I quit my job.  I loved my patients and nurses but the structure, leadership, volume and hours were ridiculous.  I didn't intend to quit, but my superior pushed me to my limit and I just quit. 

I have never been happier.  I didn't know I had it in me to quit.  I didn't know I was so gutsy or courageous. 

It wasn't the best time to quit. I didn't have another job out there in the wings waiting for me.  I didn't have a lot of money saved up to get by on.  But I knew it was the right thing to do and I did it.  I was stressed out, sick, in pain and fatigued.  I was sad, frustrated and alone.

For the past six weeks I have been in heaven.  No goals.  No specific plans. No schedule.  I am living very cheaply.  In fact, I discovered many "minimalist" blogs and books and am trying to live that kind of life.  This experience will change the way I live my life from now on.  There is so much I can live without.  I love having time.  Time is worth so much more than things.  I have rest.  My body doesn't hurt as much.  I have quiet.  No people around to have to chat with.  I have my art.  I have started creating things.  I hope to create enough art to sell them on Etsy.  If not, no big deal. 

Lest, I kid myself, I do have to go back to work, soon rather than late.  And I will, because I have been offered another, hopefully saner, job.  This experience, my sabbatical, as I call it, will alter my life and my perspective forever.  I won't let a job beat me down so much in the future.  I will only work at a job I can pace myself.  I will be more peaceful.

Best Massage Therapist in Denver

I just came back from a most marvelous massage.  I normally go every two weeks, to satisfy the painful yearnings of my chronic myofacial pain.  But with summer and travel I did not get to go two weeks ago, so it has now been a month.  I want to tell you that Avi Penhollow who owns Divinity Massage is the best massage therapist I have ever been to.  Not only in Denver, but in the whole United States.  I have been to lots of therapists in Denver and many at spas while traveling, but Avi is by far the best.  He seems to have a sixth sense as to what your body needs and where you are hurting.  His touch can be very intense when working out a trigger point or very gentle around delicate areas like feet and scalp. 

Since it has been a month, and my shoulders, neck and head were screaming, he calmed all those areas down and then worked on my back which he found very tightly contracted, even though there wasn't much pain there. When he finished, I felt so much better immediately.  And I felt better all over, I could walk straighter, breathe easier, and relax my muscles. Avi has such a healing intent when he works with you.  I certainly won't let 2 weeks pass without a massage again.   It keeps me functioning.  You can find Avi at www.divinitymassage.com.

I had such a lovely morning. I walked over to Caribou Coffee with Rascal, found a cool, shady spot to sit on their patio and ordered a large iced mocha and an apple fritter (since they were out of my most favorite treat, the french toast muffin).  I picked up a weekend Wall Street Journal and spent the next two and a half hours enjoying the quiet time to read the paper from cover to cover.  I don't know much about the financial ways of the world, but I do enjoy many of the articles in this paper.  The best sections are "Off Duty" and "Review".  Off Duty is clearly for the rich and famous, those hedge fund brokers and their trophy wives who just don't know how to spend their money.  The articles are outrageously preposterous in the material things they put on display.  I just have to wonder who thinks they need a $3200 scarf or $998 cotton blouse.  All the clothing and couture designers are featured at some point or other. I truly do not get those prices!  Even if one could aford it, why would a person waste that kind of money on clothes.  Even if it is fabulously made from the finest fabrics, how many wears are you conceivably going to get out of it.  I would likely get bored of it before it wore out.  And as far as fancy clothes go, most women I know, don't re-wear evening gowns and party dresses that often. 

I will say that I bought a fairly expensive dress made by the designer Teri Jon for Andrew and Sabrina's wedding.  My main goal in finding a dress was that it fit well.  I was willing to spend whatever it took, (within reason) to find a well fitting dress.  The second dress I tried on was IT. Those of you who know me, know I never pay retail.  But this was an exception to my rule.  I did manange to save $60 by ordering it directly from the designer instead of the retail shop.  Did it ultimately make a difference?  I have to say yes.  The fabric was just sublime.  It flowed around me like clouds.  It fit to a T, and wan't uncomfortable at all.  It seemed to make me stand up straighter, walk more erectly, and be confident. For that one day, I felt almost regal.   Do I need all my clothes to be this wonderful?  Definitely no.  I have lots of dresses I purchased on sale that make me feel wonderful and that have lasted a long time. If I could afford it would I buy more clothes from Teri Jon or other designers?  Maybe, but only on sale.   Besides, I'd constantly be worrying that I would spill something on them, which would make me enjoy them less.

Anyway, back to my Caribou morning.  I read the rest of the Review section, checking out books, movies, commentary and new ideas.  I had nowhere else to be that day and I savored every moment of my time at the coffee shop.  When I finally finished, I walked back home relaxed and ready to start working on my art room. 

I don't know why I don't treat myself to an outing like that more often.  I seem to wait until I think I deserve it for some reason.  That's another whole story, but for today, that extra special morning gave me a lovely memory to linger on.

Here I go again.

I thought this was a weed in my yard, and even though I tried to kill it, it bloomed into this sunflower. Talk about hope.

I'm back.  I have been gone a long time.  Too long.  Too busy. Too cluttered of mind.  On my walk today, I decided I would try it again. I do have things I want to say.  Issues I want to explore.  Ideas I want to try out.  I will continue to write under a pen name, so that certain individuals won't find me.  Most of what I say will be true, though I am honest in my telling it. My perspective has changed somewhat since I started the blog.  Only because I have lived through my grief and am back on the life track. So stay tune for new musings and stories.  I hope you enjoy.