Sunday, June 27, 2010

You Are AMAZING!






Oh, Sunday night.  The night before Monday morning.  I dread Monday's.  They are busy, hectic and long. I am not a Monday person.  I am not a morning person. But instead of whining about something has happens once a week for as long I can remember, I decided to try to think positively.
So I created some little reminders of how utterly amazing I am.  This isn't just my opinion of myself.  It's God's.  God told me so.  After reflecting on my misery and talking to God about it , God told me loud and clear, "You are amazing in my sight. I made you and gave you your talents.  Your work is my work."   So I added a little whimsy on that theme.  The pieces say things like, "Spread your wings", "100% Authentic" and "Well behaved women rarely make history".  I also included some little prayers and quotes.  I personalized the middle one with a childhood photo of myself.  Instead of framing them, I put them on clip boards and hung them on the walls with those velcro removable  picture hangers.  The clip boards are nice because I can change the pictures anytime I want. 

So here's to Mondays.  I go to bed early tonight so I can wake up refreshed. I put on my happiest smile, say a prayer and embrace Monday.  And the next thing I know, it's over and it was better than I though possible.


God Bless y'all on Monday.  And remember - You are AMAZING!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

My how things have changed...

I was 17 when I had my wisdom teeth pulled.  I went to the only oral surgeon in St. Charles.  Not a great guy.  Surly and abrupt, had a god complex.  After the surgery he sent me home with few instructions.  I immediately swelled up like a rabid chipmunk and my cheeks turned various colors of  blue and green.  It was miserable.  It hurt like heck and I was sick to my stomach.  The wounds kept bleeding so I had to go back to the surgeon and he repacked the wound without any analgesia and it was awful.

This week, Chris, age 19 had his impacted wisdom teeth removed.  This time we had our choice of surgeons.  Fortunately, we were lucky enough to go back to Dr. Barry Keogh, http://www.keoghoralsurg.com/.  Barry and I worked at the same hospital in St. Louis. He moved to Denver a year after we did.  He removed an odontogenic cyst from Andrew's jaw when he was 7 years old.  And later when Andrew needed braces, Barry remove a couple of teeth in his overcrowded mouth.  In my opinion Barry is the finest Oral Maxillo Facial specialist anywhere.
Anyway, nowadays, patients are given improved anesthesia and prophylactic anti-nausea medication.  Detailed instructions for reducing swelling, bleeding, and pain are given.  Chris made it through the 1st day, problem free.  He has mild swelling and moderate pain and aside from Vicodin induced drowsiness, he is healing well.  Barry called the evening of Chris' surgery just to check on him. 

My goodness, how things change.....

The other wonderful change I encountered this week has to do with vanity.  Recently I discovered a brand of cosmetics called Benefit, http://www.benefitcosmetics.com/gp/home.html.  I was in Las Vegas in May, shopping at Macy's.  I was standing in the cosmetics department looking for the purse department when a lovely young woman approached me and asked if I wanted a make-over.  I NEVER do that kind of thing. But Vanessa was very good at her trade and before long I was sitting in a chair at the Benefit counter.  Within minutes, she had tried new eye shadow and something called High Beam that brightens your face.  I loved the look and bought the eyeshadows and High Beam. 

The shadows were great and actually stayed on.  I checked out Benefit on the web and saw some other products that I thought might work for me.  I was reluctant to  buy cosmetics online but luckily, Macy's here in Denver recently added a Benefit counter.  A sweet young woman named Jessa was eager to help. 

I am a 54 year old post-menopausal woman who stilll has the oiliest skin on earth.  Within an hour of applying my make-up, my forehead is shining like lighthouse.  By the end of the day my make-up is sliding off my face.  I don't consider myself a horribly vain woman, but I do like looking professional and well groomed, instead of a greasy teenager.

So Jenna showed me some products that allegedly would control the shine.  Well, the products are amazing and really really work.  I can go through the whole day with no shine.  And my skin is smooth and soft.  It's unbelievable.  Do you have any idea how many anti-oil products I have bought since 8th grade?  Enough to take a very long vacation in the French Riviera. 

So I am now in love with Benefit.  As one who usually buys cosmetics at Target, I am a convert.  These are not pricey products.  Just a little above the drug store prices.  But you only need small amounts and the quality is great.

If you have dry skin, they probably have something for you too. 

Both events this week evolved over a 35 year period.  Change is good.




Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Ah Summer



Yesterday was the first day of summer, the longest day of the year, the summer equinox.  I delight in the long lightness of the day.  I was awakened at 5 am by a bird who could only carry a 4 note tune.  The light soon followed so I arose. I was full of energy and low on pain.  It seemed a very sacred day.

Yesterday was one of those days physicians relish.  It brought surprises in the way of amazing people and diagnoses. Most of primary care is filled with everyday diseases, colds, earaches, high blood pressure.  In the case of a primary care geriatrician, often my day is filled with Alzheimer's disease.  But on Monday, I had a patient with Supranuclear Palsy who was full of worry about her diagnosis.  I saw the most enchanting family who were host home providers to three young men with Down's Syndrome.  I only saw Will yesterday, a shy 52 year old man with a demure smile. His caregiver and her small children were so full of faith and the light of God it radiated the whole room.  Finally, I saw a woman with rash, who turned out to have a severe anemia.  I had to send her to the hospital for a work up and transfusions.  It may only be an iron deficiency, but it might be something more exotic.  I hope not for her sake, but it is interesting to think of the possibilities in my differential diagnosis.  Diseases I haven't thought about since medical school.

What a curious and blessed day.  I was self-satisfied and the patients were grateful.  But that is only a temporary good feeling.  Knowing that the day was ordained by God, as all days are, though I often fail to notice, filled my heart.  Some days I am just more aware of God's presence that others, and a day like yesterday reminds me to tune in a little better, even when it isn't the longest day of the year.

Enjoy the sunrises and sunsets these next few weeks.  It gives, " I am the light of the world" a new meaning.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Best Book of the Year

Hello friends and Happy Father's Day to all Dads out there, including men who nurture us in compassion,

I just finished the best and most powerful book of the year. It is called Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion by Gregory Boyle, SJ. With humor and profound sadness, but always with love Boyle tells stories of gang members he encounters at Delores Mission and Homeboy Industries, http://www.homeboy-industries.org/index.php,.  Do check out their website and youtube.com for videos about the company and Fr. Boyle. 

The world of gangs is something I am so far removed from I wasn't even aware there was anyone working with them.  But rather than just another social service program, Boyle is moved by the Gospel and God's unconditional love for ALL.  That means those who come to get help and those who remain in gangs.  His solidarity with the gangs, just hanging with them, being a presence in these young men and women's lives is compassion lived.  Between very funny stories of young people given jobs, there are the tragic and heartbreaking stories of the lives lost and the funerals officiates.  Boyle's message of compassion, hope, redemption, and kinship will bring you to your knees.

BUY this book, and give it to all your friends.

Be cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Happy June Birthdays

Hello Friends,
Happy Birthday to everyone with a June Birthday.  And here is a little present for you all.    It's my birthday, too, and I have had a wonderful day so far.  I took Rascal for a walk this morning and was lucky to have my camera along.  I snapped these lovely flowers in my neighborhood.  Having no green thumb myself, I enjoy the neighbors flowers. Aren't these amazing? 
My family took me to lunch today at the White Chocolate Grill.  I love that place.
My older son Andrew called from Vegas and later I received another call from his girlfriend, a young woman who warms my heart so much.  I received cards from Vicky and Carolyn (very funny, ladies!) and from Mary Ann and her family.  Cindie sent me a wonderful gift. I expect 54 with be a great year.
Here is a poem called For your Birthday that my friend John sent me last year.  I keep it on my desk and look at it often.

Blessed be the mind that dreamed the day
The blueprint of your life
Would begin to glow on earth,
Illuminating all the faces and voices
That would arrive to invite
Your soul to growth.

Praised be your father and mother,
Who loved you before you were,
And trusted to call you here
With no idea who you would be.

Blessed be those who have loved you
Into becoming who you were meant to be,
Blessed be those who have crossed your life
With dark gifts of hurt and loss
That have helped to school you mind in the art of disappointment.

When desolation surrounded you,
Blessed be those you looked for you
And found you, their kind hands
Urgent to open a blue window
In the gray wall formed around you.

Blessed be the gifts you never notice,
Your health, eyes to behold the world,
Thoughts to countenance the unknown,
Memory to harvest vanished days,
Your heart to feel the world's waves,
Your breath to breathe the nourishment
Of distance made intimate by earth.

On this echoing-day of your birth,
May you open the gift of solitude
In order to receive your soul;
Enter the generosity of silence
To hear your hidden heart;
Know the serenity of stillness
To be enfolded anew
By the miracle of your being.

I don't recall the author but it has the word Thresholds  on the page which I think is the title of the chapter. It is as meaningful today as it was a year ago. (Thank you John)
Isn't it beautiful?

Blessed be all you you born this day, in June or any month of the year.


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Good Morning Friends

A great good morning to you all.  I am in great spirits because I have to day off.  I love the slow pace of my days off.  I start with walking the dogs. Then tidy up a bit because I love a clean uncluttered house.  Today's challenge was dog hair.  Lala sheds so much she ought to be bald!

I made another card for the Art and Healing project.  It's really a fun thing to do, because even though I don't know the recipient, it stimulates me to be extra inventive in making a really fun and consoling card. Here it is:
The tags says "journey" and the pull out card says "in dreams we get a glimpse of lives larger than our own".  I think that says a great deal about healing.  I used a Martha Stewart punch for the scalloped border.  I left the inside blank.

I am working (slowly) on a bigger project, a piece of wall art collage for my office.  I idea is taking shape but because it will be 24x32" it's a bit of work.  I haven't done anything that large before.  I am used to working small. If you have any ideas let me know.

What comes to mind when you think, "art and healing"?


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

My Happy Journal

Front Cover and details



Following yesterday's theme on acknowedging our happiness, this is the cover I made for my Happy Journal.  This is where I record things I find to be happy about.  I also ask myself questions like, "What is it I need in life?" I look forward to writing in it each day.

The fun things I added include crystal embellishments for the necklace and a mini lock charm to make it look like a girl's diary. 

Have a Happy Day

Monday, June 14, 2010

I am staying happy

In my ongoing effort to focus on being happy, I pushing out thoughts that are "downers".  I am trying not to think about how tired I am, how weird a couple of patients were, how Medicare will implement a 21% cut in Medicare payments to physicians tomorrow and how stupid Colorado Public Radio's fundraising drive is (in fact how stupid the whole idea of public radio is).  I am not thinking of those things.

What I am thinking about, is I am at home, being comfortable, with my dogs lying next to me as I write this relining in my most comfortable memory foam topped bed. I am thinking about how glad I was to have mom back at work today, how lucky I am to have found Tyler as my assistant, how delightful it is to come home and find that Chris and Quinn have replaced my ugly mulch with beautiful river rock and how blessed I am to know A., a patient that manages to stay perky and happy despite her awful chronic illness.

I think it is good to list the things you are thankful for and I do that sometimes. But listing the things you are happy about is much harder.  The strangely dark and icky things of life can over-shadow the simple pleasures.  As one who tends to consume the negative bits of life, seeking the light is a great effort.

When all things are going well, like a day off without pain where I get to do anything I want and eat food created by someone else, I am a happy person.  Perky, funny, light-hearted and serene.  On dark days, I am perky, funny, light-hearted and putting on an act.  Inside I am screaming.

So I am replacing the primal scream with primal laughter.  I seek the good, the silly, the generous, the surprises. I will be happy.  I will, I will, I will!.

What makes you happy????

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Sunday Worship

I spend most Sunday morning in my craft room meditating.  Yes, you read correctly, meditating. I find that one of the the best ways I can communicate with God is through art.

I take a piece of scripture, a quote from something I read, or a reflection on something I struggled with in the past week.

I am a good Catholic.  My relationship with God is  the most important thing in my life.

Being Catholic in Denver is nearly impossible.  In this city of nature and crystal worshipers, with the most lame Catholic parishes of anywhere I have lived, I haven't found any "place" I want to worship.

Of course it doesn't help that I am an extreme introvert.  I don't need or want a community to pray with.  I finally came to that realization about 3 years ago, when I tried another church only to find that after 6 months I couldn't stand it. This had been a pattern of mine for years.  I couldn't take the gossiping and busy-body-ness.  I don't like making Christmas stockings for nursing homes. 
And I don't like the constant pleas for more and more money to sustain a building.

I have explored my introver nature for years.  I have learned to honor it.  but until that epiphany 3 years ago, I hadn't really settled into it comfortably.

Now I am so comfortable that the first thing I do on Sunday mornings is go into my craft room in my pajamas, reflect on the week, maybe search for a text.  Then I start a page.  And while I am creating it I speak with God.

I keep my pages in a Scrapbook.  I got the idea from an article in Scrapbooks Etc. magazine http://www.scrapbooksetc.com/ which then let me to a book called Scrapbooking Your Faith by Courtney Walsh,http://www.hampdenfph.com/.  I have three books so far.  they are my personal prayer books.  I can use them to pray from, when I need a lift, or face a struggle I had once thought I had already conquered.

Catholics may ask, what about the weekly Eucharist.  Well, the idea of receiving the Body of Christ weekly only came around in 1917.  Before that it was thought to be something so sacred and holy, the Eucharist should be received only a couple of times a year.  I have come to believe in the latter. I believe the way we recieve the Eucharist at Sunday Mass is so cavalier and routine, that we no longer see the mystery and holiness.  I once read that if we truly believed the bread and wine were being transformed into the Body and Blood of Christ, we would crawl into the church on our hands and knees.

So I crawl on my hand and knees into the sacred space of my craft room, and talke with God and create for God.

How do you pray?

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Get Well Juji

Yesterday Juji, my 9 year old black pug had surgery.  It all started a month ago when awakened to spots of blood on my bedroom carpet.  After checking each dog, I discovered Juji had a big swollen red area on her bottom.  Since our usual vet, Planned Pethood Plus, closed their south Denver office, I decided it was time to find a closer provider.  After searching around, I found Hampden Family Pet Hospital, only minutes from my office.  I was able to get her in the same day with Dr. Melissa Etheridge.  Juji turned out to have an anal cyst and after 3 weeks of antibiotics, she recovered nicely.  ( My carpet did not.) 

An incidental finding during her exam revealed 2 small lumps that were mast cell tumors and a broken tooth with inflamed gums.  Since mast cell tumors can be malignant and spread, we elected to have them removed and take care of the tooth at the same time. I am not usually one to spend inordinate amounts of money on my pets, even for healthcare. But in this case. I thought if we could catch the tumor early, we could avoid a lot of pain and cost later on. If it did turn out that the tumors had spread, I had already decided on comfort management only.

So yesterday was surgery day.  Thanks to Dr. Etheridge and her staff, Juji did great.  She came home last night, a little stoned, but looking comfortable.  She slept great, I didn't, waking frequently to check on her.  This is Juji and her sister Lala this morning.  Actually, they look like this most days.  They are champion sleepers. 

We find out next week the extent of the tumors, but for now she is loving her soft diet of Little Caesar's Filet Mignon.  It's a dog's life.

Art and Healing

I discovered this invitaion in CardMaker magazine.  Each month there is a call to make a card for a particular organization or charity to brighten up the lives of others.  In May the challenge was to make a card for Arts and Healing at the Veterans Administration Rehabilitation program in the Ozarks.  The cards will not only be passed on the veterans but will serve as inspiration for  their art programs and cards that they might make themselves.  Here is one I am going to send.



Front, Insided and back.
I know how much creativity and especially paper crafts helped me heal during my first widow year.  I am also especially interested in the transitioning of Irag and Afghanistan Veterans back to home and wholeness.  There is certainly not being enough done for these heroes.  Compared to what we offered WWII veterans, it is an embarrassment. 
When I retire, I hope to work for the VA or other government program.  I will be an honor to be of help to veterans.

For this card I just chipboard for the front and back and covered them with cardstock.  Since the front had a butterfly motif, I decided to continue that on the inside.  The back just has a touch of whimsy with the stamp and a double entendre message in terms of the war and the fight to get through rehab.

A rainy day here.  I am headed to the casinos!


Thursday, June 10, 2010

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

Today I start walking in earnest.  Last June I jumped on the walking train and hardly missed a day.  With fibromyalgia, I generally feel fatigued.  Walking is not something I would normally sign up for.  But I knew Rascal needed a walk, and I felt like a blob.  So I started slow and kept up the momentum.  Then we had an early snow and since Mayor Hickenlooper doesn't feel it is necessary to plow side streets, I didn't walk for a while.  Then another snow came and another.  And since I am pretty much a fair weather walker, I basically quit.

So today I start again.  I have been doing occasional walks but usually I had to force myself.  The only thing that works for me is to get up at 7am, immediately put on my walking clothes and get out the door. It really is lovely at that time of day and not too many other walkers are out.  I do a mile a day except on the weekends and my day off when I walk about 3 miles.  I feel better, ironically my pain is less and last year I lost some weight and toned up.  I expect that will happen this year also.  Getting outside first thing in the morning awakens me and puts me in a good mood.  That translates into a good mood at work, even when things get busy or patients are crabby and demanding.

Let's hear it for walking!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Highlights form the past year and a half

When I started this blog, I wanted to write about some revelations, epiphanies and awakenings that helped me get through time since Tom passed. Needless to say, I didn't stay current with it. So here are some of the highlights.

  • In August 2009, as I was realizing that my sons would soon be off to school andi would be alone with the dogs, I started to get a little scared.  I had always viewed their departure as an Alleluia moment.  I had been a good mom.  I raised fine young men that I trusted and didn't have to worry about.  I didn't plan on being a widow when that time came.  I thought Tom and I would have time to revitalize our marriage.  But after a few days of wallowing in self pity, I had the awakening that I had a choice:  I could be lonely and afraid, or I could start my new life.  I had longed to be alon forever.  I never planned to marry and have children.  Both of those things were tremendous blessings that changed my life for the better.  But I do love my solitude.  So I decided to start making plans.  I cleaned out Tom's old home office and made it my new craft room.  I made an arbitrary weekly calendar of how I would spend my time.  I kept lists...wishlists, idea lists, places I want to visit lists, things to do lists, new things to try lists.  Keep in mind, I was still working full time so there wasn't a lot of down time, but I didn't want to just come home and veg out in front of the TV.  This plan helped tremendously.  And I found that creativity was my savior. Making something out of nothing, creating cards to send folks, experimenting with new techniques was a pleasure. I did have a period of funk during the unusually long, unusually cold winter, but I was saved by my Nintendo DS and a new game Andrew gave me for Christmas.  I felt like a child again.  I was a couch potato, but I was having fun and not dwelling on loss.
  • HOW TO MANAGE THE HOLIDAYS - Consistantly people asked me how I survived each   "1st" holiday.  I discovered that what they wanted to hear was how lonely and miserable I was.  What they got instead was that I either kept or started old traditions on those days.  For example, for Christmas, Tom had always insisited on the traditional green tree with white lights, the bigger the better and preferrably real and not fake.  So I got myself a sparkling silver aluminum tree and decorated it all in green with ribbon, peacocks and butterflys. I loved it.  If I could only find one of those mulit-colored wheels that light up and shine on the tree.  We had one of those as a child and I would sit there for hours and watch that beautiful tree.  ( I was kind of a dimwit back then). On our 1st Anniversary I carried on the tradition of buying a piece of art for the house.  We had been doing that for the past 20 years. So I found a lovely and whimsical mixed media piece that says, "HAPPY, JOYOUS, FREE".  Which I was and still am.
  • Get a therapist! - Luckily, I had already had a therapist at the time of Tom's death.  I called her the day after Tom died and met with her 5 days later.  She is the best therapist on earth and she has helped me immensely.  I continue to see her monthly, though now we work on the stuff of life more so than grief work, though that rears its ugly head from time to time.
  • Go Away!  -  During the past year, I traveled a lot.  More than in any other year of my life.  They were odd trips - Andrew was in an accident, I visited friends in St. Louis.  Some were vacation, one was to get the boys settled at school.  And all of them were wonderful and a great distraction from the ordinariness of grief.  My advice  -  get a change of scenery as often as you can.  Leave the survivor guilt behind and have some fun.  Laugh a lot.  If you are not funny, seek out funny people.  Be a little silly.  You're allowed.  You're crazy with grief after all.
  • Play the grief card - When I just couldn't handle things any more, I explained it away with grief.  The grieving widow.  So Sad.  I only missed one day of work after the memorial service due to being overwhelmed by grief.  But there were things I didn't want to go to, so I cried grief.  there were problems that were entirely frustrating, like MCI claiming we owed them money for phone service even though we hadn't used them as our phone company in 3 years.  I told the moron I was talking to that my husband just died, and finally after weeks of phone calls and correspondence, the slate was wiped clean.  The fact that it was only about $ 50 didn't matter.  It was the principal.  When Wells Fargo tried to gyp me out of several hundred dollars and no one, NO ONE at Wells Fargo would even listen to me, I wrote the CEO my poignant story of loss and the error the bank had made on my account, magically the money appeared back into my account.  I didn't even get a reply from them, I just found the money had been deposited.
You will grieve in your own way, but maybe some of these things will help you.  I pray for you all daily for healing.

The 1 year anniversary

So the boys and I decided that we would go away for this anniversary. We didn't want to be in Denver where there were too many horrid memories of that day. We decided on Southern California, and narrowing it down to a Hyatt on the beach, we chose Huntington Beach. We took a long weekend and I met them in Las Vegas and flew together to CA. We were able to immediately relax, ie we all took naps on arrival at this very lovely hotel. The first evening we went to a very good Italian restaurant. It was as good as anything on The Hill in St. Louie. There are no good Italian restaurants in Denver.

The next day we walked along the beach and talked and ate. We tried to find a sushi restaurant in Newport Beach but got lost and ended up at another one. The boys thought it was so-so, but still managed to eat $120 worth of sushi.

There were 2 amazing things about the weekend. I was able to talk with each boy separately and listen to how they were getting along, coping, re-hashing the events and feelings of a year ago. The second was that we laughed non-stop the whole weekend. The boys are so funny. I couldn't stop laughing. It was such a release, like that "primal scream" therapy.

I would recommend to anyone who has lost a loved one to "get out of Dodge" for the first anniversary of the death. It changes your perspective, allows you to rest and be free of the expectations of other. And you come back home feeling better, fresher and glad that it is over.

Amen and Allelujia