How's that meditation going?

Well, so far I believe I have meditated one minute.  It's not that I struggle with it so much as I don't make time for it.  And the reason I don't make time for it is because I am afraid of what I might hear God say.  I have no bad experience of meditation.  God has never told me anything scary.  In fact, mostly what I recieve from God is comfort.  But comfort for me is not something I get used to easily.  I am so much harder on myself than God is.  Yet I spend so much more time with my little computer of a brain going over and over the most ridiculous things, like plans and fears and past regrets. 

I have really been spending a lot of time in the past these days.  Ruminating over past hurts.  Were I to spend more time meditating, God would heal all those hurts.  So what am I afraid of?

I don't honestly know.  Except that the few minutes I have spend in God's amazing presence are so powerful and intense, that I get overwhelmed.  Sometimes I just have to spend days living that experience and talking it over with God before I can have another meditative session.  Often, I spend months absorbing the experience.  I spend my days as if a waterfall is slowly pouring over me, washing the concepts of comfort, forgiveness, healing, grace.....in me and through me.

You would think I would get saturated with all God's goodness and live it out in my daily life. Yet time and time again I fail and fall back in to my old worrying routine.  So I spend another minute meditating and the cycle starts all over again.

I would like to meditate more regularly so don't have these big lapses.  So I could be immersed in God's gifts.  But I am afraid of what I might hear, and what I might be called to.  I am not ready to relinquish the life I know for the life that could be.

So I meditate, one minute at a time.