Happy Labor Day

I hope your holiday was happy and that you actually had a three day weekend.  For those who toiled today, I hope it wasn't too bad. And if it was awful, I wish you peace.

I always wanted work that was fulfilling and was fun.  You know that saying that says something to the effect of work that brings joy not being work at all?  I do not have that kind of work.  I do not like my work in fact.  I often think that I mis-heard God when I thought he said, come be a doctor.  I think I should have been a computer engineer or something that doesn't involve talking to people.  That part of the job is exhausting for this introvert.  It just sucks the energy right out of me. 

The practice I have now is not how I pictured it would be 30 years ago.  Patients have changed, they seem to be more demanding.  It's not as financially successful as I had hoped. And it is very, very tiring.  My days are stressful in that each day is usually booked pretty full, but I know there will still be add ons.  I hate interruptions, and there are many. 

Don't get me wrong, most of my patients are lovely people and many are grateful.  I enjoy being able to help someone feel well or walk their journey to the end of life with them.  I am glad to be able to make a living.

I think the reason I don't like my work is that I never feel well.  If I weren't broken, dealing with pain and fatigue most of the time, I think I would like it more.  I would have more energy ( I used to), and would get excited about what each day would bring.  But being exhausted most of the time makes me less able to tolerate the stress and pressure. 

I know that what I really need to be happy at work is to accept myself for what I am.  Not try to be what I was when I had energy. Not try to be perfect as others imagine me. I need to accept scaling back, allowimits limits where they are needed.  Most days I do. 

The thing that works best for me is to take it one day at a time.  Instead I tend to anticipate future problems that may never occur.  When I am able to allow each day to flow on its own without me trying to control it, things go better.  Why is it so hard to be present to the moment then?  I guess because I am a control freak. 

So here is my pledge to take it a day at a time, live in the present.  I am going to start now.

So far so good.

I read today that meditation helps.  In Praying Naked ,essays from Anthony de Mello, SJ, meditation is proposed as a way to connect to yourself and God so that nothing else matters in the day.  That sounds good to me.

I will leave you with a little story from Taking Flight by de Mello: 

The Master was in an expansive mood, so his disciples sought to learn from him the stages he had passed through in his quest for the divine. 

"God first led me by the had," he daid, "into the Land of Action, and there I dwelt for several years.  Then He returned and led me to the Land of Sorrows; there I lived until my heart was purged of every inordinate attachment.  That is when I found myself in the Land of Love, whose burning flames consumed whatever was left in me of self.  This brought me to the Land of Silence, where the mysteries of life and death were bared before my wondering eyes."

"Was that the final stage of your quest?" they asked.

"No," the Master said.  "One day God said, "Today I shall take you to the inermost  sanctuary of the Temple, to the heart of God himself."  And I was led to the Land of Laughter."

Isn't that wonderful.  Right now I am somewhere between the Lands of Love and Silence.  I yearn to be Laughing.